Moving On

I can hardly believe it’s only been three weeks since my miscarriage.  I feel like I have been going through this for an eternity.  Why do the good times seem to fly by so fast but the hard times drag on forever? My wedding happened in the blink of an eye.  But this, I feel like I could write a novel about.

The last few weeks have been rough, but mostly I am feeling better.  Physically, I feel back to normal. I am getting active again, working out again, trying to do all of those things I used to do to make myself feel good.  Mentally, I get better day by day. Mostly, I just feel an odd sense of being “lost.”  I am having a hard time finding purpose in my every day life and tasks. I know this will change as time passes.  I am trying to plan small getaways, lunches with friends… trying to give myself things to look forward to.  But, I won’t lie, it’s hard and it’s an effort.

Mostly, I get through my days without incident now. Thursdays are always hard.  It makes me think of that Thursday. Thursdays are the weekly anniversaries.  Soon I will remember it monthly, then yearly… then I hope the pain will become a distant memory. Knowing that this will get better feels good, but I am impatient.

Strange things make me remember it, even on days when I think I am doing ok.  The thought of knitting brings me to tears.  I was going to knit things for the baby.  Family get-togethers make me uncomfortable… I feel like I have nothing of importance to say. Certain things that I ate while I was pregnant are just unappetizing now, because it reminds me of what I had and what I lost.  It is so strange how this grief manifests itself, and those things that grief attaches itself to.  It’s unlike anything I have experienced before…

But, mostly I am doing ok. I think from here on out, things will get easier.  From here, I hope I will start a new chapter.  I think the first month is the hardest. I am actively trying to stay positive.  When a negative thought enters my head, I purposely make the effort to move acknowledge it, then move on.  Getting messages from others who have been through a similar situation is really touching.  I know it’s hard to talk about, but it feels good to know you’re not alone.

Business has been busy, which although stressful, is a blessing.  I am running a few days behind and am lucky to have very patient customers (thank you!). I have pulled a couple of late nights and early mornings, and will work this weekend to try to get back on track.

Dan and I went to Toronto last weekend.  I haven’t spent much time there since I moved. It felt pretty strange being there. I definitely felt like a country bumpkin.

We got a hotel for the night, had dinner with my Abbey and her boyfriend, went to the Art Gallery, then the Royal Ontario Museum on Sunday.  It was nice. I wish we could afford to do that more!

I don’t know much about art, but Cornelius Krieghoff’s Images of Canada paintings were my favourite.  Some were quirky, others beautiful, they all told a story.

The ROM is one of my favourite places in the world.  We saw the Mesopotamia exhibit, it was was ok, but not as exciting as I hoped.  What I really loved was the Gems & Minerals exhibit.  It was amazing! The highlight of my trip (I am such a nerd…).