I never, ever imagined that going through a miscarriage would be like this. Right now it’s just at the point where everything is just awkward and it feels like it lasts forever… I ran into a friend a couple of days ago who I had told I was pregnant about 13 weeks in. We ran into each other at the grocery store and exchanged hugs and hello’s. The thought didn’t even cross my mind until halfway through our small talk, and it hit me “ugh.. he thinks I should be big and pregnant right now, and I’m totally not.” I didn’t even address it. I brushed it aside. It’s been just over two months since everything happened, and most days are pretty good now, which is great, but I still have these moments where I realize “I should be pregnant now, and I’m not.” It’s such a weird feeling. Like never reading the last page of a novel… Absolutely no closure.
Dan and I decided to stay in this Christmas. We will visit with his parents in the morning and then head out to my parents for the afternoon. We were supposed to visit his Aunt and her husbands family in the City, but I felt like it might be too much for me right now. I think the thing I am dealing with the most at this point is that I just feel so awkward around people, and I think people don’t quite know what to say to me. I am socially awkward enough as it is!
This morning I popped over to the Etsy forums to see if there was anything new and important I should know about and right there, on the discussion board, in big bold letters was a random “I’m Pregnant!” announcement. I’m not really sure Etsy is the venue to be announcing your pregnancy, but there it was… I shut my laptop and got another cup of coffee (one upside to not being pregnant, lots and lots of coffee). A girl I know is due in March, another girl I know just had a baby. Newborn babies and pregnant ladies… everywhere.
I am still angry. I’m less angry now, but there’s no denying it, and I don’t think that will go away anytime soon. I have this feeling that there should be some sort of universal justice, but there’s no finding justice in this situation. I know universal justice isn’t really “a thing,” but I can’t get it out of my head. I feel like it should work itself out like a math equation: Really Bad Thing + Really Good Thing = Universal Justice
I think the thing that hit me the most with this whole situation is how horribly and universally unjust life can be. Life is full of such terrible things. Babies get born unwanted, babies die, people abuse animals, people get sick, people are starving, horrible things happen… Ugh, life! You’re such a cruel bitch…
I speak in hyperbole. Terrible things do happen, but small good things are going on too and we all get on with our lives. There’s not much other choice! Business is sustaining itself at a reasonable pace, and I have some potential opportunities coming my way. I’m looking forward to a low-key Christmas and got Dan a really great present this year. I made a donation to my local Humane Society and feel really good about that. I started working out again and have lost 15lbs and physically feel better than I have in a long time. I’ve nearly completed a knitting project (a sweater for Oliver). I started a new Christmas tradition, making matching sweaters for Oliver, Dan and myself. And, today I’ll be spending the day with three of my favourite people, my mom, my aunt, and my cousin, doing some Christmas Shopping.
I dreamed two nights ago that Dan and I moved to Oregon. How weird is that? I’ve been craving a change of scenery. I’m hoping Dan can take some vacation time soon and we can go on a road trip.
6 Comments
gingermakes
December 3, 2013 at 3:46 pmAwww, man. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how hard this must be. I guess it doesn't help to know this, but if anyone is being weird or awkward towards you, I'm sure it's because they are trying to be really careful and considerate of your feelings and maybe they don't quite know how to handle the situation. I'm really glad that you'll be able to spend time with close family over the holidays– it must be a relief to be able to just be yourself and not feel like you have to make small talk with people you don't know as well. I hope you and Dan and Oliver are able to spend lots of good time together as the holidays approach and you're able to find some joy in that. Thinking of you!
A.J.A.
December 3, 2013 at 4:58 pmHi Sarah. Glad you are expressing these feelings, and glad you are taking care of yourself.
Robin
December 3, 2013 at 6:55 pmI have been one of your readers for a while but I don't post comments. However, I felt drawn to this post. I, too, had difficulty getting pregnant and carrying to full term. I've had four miscarriages. Most family members and friends did not say anything, fearing (I'm guessing) they would say the wrong thing. Even though the last one was 30 years ago, at odd moments, the pain and sorrow returns. Not as painful, just the memory. Your loss is still fresh. Breathe. It's ok to grieve, feel awkward, have a sad day, etc. I adopted my two (sibling) daughters in my late 30's. They've kept me busy and helped to fill the loneliness and ache I felt in my heart–bittersweet memories remain. It takes time to heal, putting one foot in front of the other. Embrace your journey with peace and affirmation–know that you are not alone.
Alaskapsych
December 6, 2013 at 3:02 pmSarah, I am so sorry you are still feeling loss. It takes a little time. But it is never the same. But it will get better.
Anonymous
December 8, 2013 at 7:33 amLately I was reading from book Wings of power from Margrit Segesman, she wrote " It is quite unimportant what people say or do to us, as not a hair can be touched on our head without the will of God. It is our reaction which counts. All pains and all limitations have an educational purpose. It somehow gave me great relief from my own pain as I accepted that I have my free will and rest is in Gods hands.
With love
Jarmila
Anonymous
December 11, 2013 at 11:13 amHang in there. Hope you get a road trip in, or a change of scene.