I’ve been distant. Quiet. I know.
The truth is I’ve been going through something. All my life I’ve been considered a “worrier.” If you were to ask any of my friends, they’d probably say I have a lot of stress, much of it self imposed, and kind of on the irrational (ok, crazy) side. I’ve been finding over the last couple of years, culminating in the last several months, that my anxiety levels have been getting to a point that is crippling.
All of my life I’ve believed that if I just powered through, kept moving, I could get past the uncomfortable feelings. I recently came to the quiet revelation that I’ve been doing mental health all wrong and that maybe my constant feeling of dread and worry wasn’t normal, especially when things are generally ok.
The turning point for me was releasing this last pattern collection. I’ve been so worried that things aren’t good enough, that people will be disappointed, that something is wrong, that I’ve been terrified to write about them. I need to work on a new collection for my lingerie shop, which is looking rather ragged, but I have the feeling that nothing will ever be good enough. I open my email with dread and some days can’t even bring myself to check because I’m afraid that something is wrong. I have no reason to feel this way. I am a good designer. I’ve worked hard to build a fairly successful business.
Thinking about these feelings made me realize how afraid I was for Isabel, and my compulsive need to make sure she is ok. My irrational worries that she will get out of her crib, through her locked door, past the baby gate, down the stairs, out of our locked house, and come to some terrible end out in the world. It’s a terrible feeling to constantly have with you.
Since buying this new house, my anxiety has shot through the roof. I feel like there is a lot of “unknown” which is really terrifying for me. I have constant stress over finances when I really don’t need to. I have constant stress over the state of our house, when reality is I live in a beautiful old home that much of the major work has been completed. When I sit and think rationally about my anxieties, none of them make sense, but I just can’t stop. I almost constantly have that tight feeling in my chest, like the way you feel before writing a big test that you’re not quite prepared for. I wake up this way, and when I do fall asleep, I have stressful dreams.
Mix all this with an unhealthy dose of intrusive thoughts, and I decided that maybe something wasn’t firing quite right and that I needed some help. As someone who DIY’s everything, saying this was a big step is a bit of an understatement.
I always thought my Anxiety was a mixed blessing. Sure, it stopped me from sleeping or actually getting to know any of the many amazing people in my life, but it compelled me to work, work, work! In hindsight, none of my best work has been done in periods of high anxiety. It’s not a good motivator and it’s definitely not good for business. In fact, it’s been crippling my business over the last few months.
So, I’m trying something new. I’ve been doing self care things for months, like exercise, but it hasn’t been cutting it. I’ve been getting a lot of new insight into the way I think over the last week and it’s really been a revelation. I’ve started on some medication, picked up yoga again, started a “worry journal” (which sounds lame but feels helpful), have enrolled in some support groups and hopefully will have some one-on-one care soon. Unfortunately, there is a wait list for mental health care in our area, so that has been frustrating for me, but it feels good to be getting help.
I wanted to write this to explain a little to you what’s been going on with me. I haven’t been myself for a while now. I’ve always wanted this blog to be a place where I can share real life: it’s good times and it’s not so good times… I hate that persona that people put online where thing are 100% perfect 100% of the time #bestlife #blessed. Reaching out for help was extremely difficult for me, and I want anyone know is going through something similar to know it’s ok! We would never judge a friend who is going through these things, so I don’t know why we judge ourselves so harshly.
Thanks for listening, and mostly, thanks for caring about me. If anyone has any similar experiences, I’d love to hear.
6 Comments
Julicia
July 27, 2016 at 2:47 pmCongrats to you for acknowledging that something wasn’t quite right and taking the steps to feel better. You got this!! 🙂 I recently read this book- The Magic, by Rhonda Byrne. The book is a 28-day guide to feeling better, being in the moment, and being thankful for what you have. It’s been really helpful for me to start each day feeling positive and good about myself. Maybe it can help you too. Be well <3
Jen
July 29, 2016 at 2:46 amHello Sarah,
It’s been a couple of weeks so I hope things have improved, but I also know this can take quite a bit of time. I just wanted to reach out with encouragement and support. I suffer from a lot of anxiety myself and have frequently felt helpless in dealing with it. I have found that daily meditation, weekly therapy, and being really honest with where I’m and setting limits and boundaries for myself (e.g. Facebook is a big anxiety contributor for me so I had to change my password and commit to avoiding it) at have all been helpful.
It sounds like you are making great efforts to take care of yourself. I hope you know that you are not alone with this, that you deserve support, and that you are doing a great job. You can and deserve to live with mental peace.
Sending you many well wishes. <3
Sonia
July 31, 2016 at 4:32 pmI’m surprised no one has commented yet because I KNOW you are not alone. I’ve gone through this, too. I actually thought I was “going crazy” because things didn’t look normal through my eyes or feel normal through my body, yet I didn’t know anything else so why would it feel wrong iykwim. It was only when I started to write down my symptoms that I had clarity (and I have a BA in psychology!). Hot and cold at the same time, the feeling of one foot on the gas and one on the brake, a feeling of “otherworldly” are all common to anxiety. The absolute best thing I did for myself was to seek answers–like you’re doing now. Two books in particular were paramount to my healing: A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and The Sedonna Method by Hale Dwoskin. And a book by Dr.Jill Bolte Taylor reassured me that I could choose differently (neuro pathways and such). When I started a meditation practice (I used the Oprah/Chopra ones) my bad dreams stopped and I slept hard and deep. I finally felt refreshed and human again! I also found a correlation between bouts of anxiety and estrogen levels, but that might not be everyone. Deep belly breathing and yoga are incredibly healing and balance the system. You’re doing awesome! Awareness is huge. Thanks for sharing your story. I know it’s going to help someone.
Josee Ann
November 15, 2016 at 6:55 amIt is very brave of you to be so honest! I can relate to what you are saying. So please know you are not alone.
I just discovered your work and I think you are an amazing designer. But you probably get that a lot. Your self-doubt likely goes much deeper than something that can be patched up with a little praise. As an artist and a wounded human being, I can relate!
I came to your website looking for tutorials and found a beautiful piece of vulnerability and authenticity. I wish you the best as you search for something that will fill the void.
Val
January 19, 2017 at 5:03 pmHi Sarah,
I just hunted down this post after seeing your youtube FAQ video where you mentioned dealing with anxiety & depression. I’ve admired your work since discovering it last year when I started sewing lingerie, and now, after reading this post I am floored by how familiar your story seems. (I first typed “seams” -how appropriate, lol!) I have also experienced depression resulting from anxiety, and I’ve been on quite a journey the past 5 years trying to manage anxiety and maximize my mental health. Like you, I’ve found a lot of help from running and yoga, though I struggle to keep it as a regular practice. Medication was something I eschewed in my early 20s when it was first suggested to me, but after things were worse for me after pregnancy #3, I knew I needed to get over my fear and try. It was a godsend, helping me feel so much more like myself again. I find it doesn’t remove all the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, but it moderates the anxiety enough that I can maintain perspective and learn to manage it better. I’m lucky to have some health insurance through work that covers psychologists, and I have finally found one who is doing wonders for helping me regain my sense of self-efficacy and confidence. I also have found meditation helpful for me, and this psychologist has a mindfulness-oriented approach. Finally, for me, I also have found a huge improvement by cutting out gluten. I know, I know, it sounds like such a cliche fad, and I was so skeptical. But I’d been having some other physical symptoms that were getting worse and a naturopath strongly suggested that i could be gluten sensitive, and that it has been linked to anxiety and menstrual cycle issues for some women. I cut it out and my physical symptoms improved dramatically. What surprised me is that my generalized anxiety also decreased significantly. It might not be the cause, but I wanted to share that with you just in case it could be worth trying in your case.
Anyway, the whole point of this rambling comment is not to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, but just to say, you are not alone. AND, thank you for sharing your story because you helped me to feel I am not alone! I admire your creativity, skill, hard work and determination in running your own business, and it inspires me that you are doing all this while managing anxiety and life in general. It motivates me to believe I can do it too. (It being my own creative dreams, not running a bespoke lingerie business. 😉 ) And it reminds me that we are often our own worse enemies, as we assume everyone else’s lives are so perfect based on what we see — I certainly imagined something like that based on your beautiful photos. So thank you for sharing the beautiful reality behind your picture-perfect lingerie. I know first-hand that the stigma of mental health issues is still very real, even here in Ontario Canada, and so I think your honesty in sharing your story is incredibly courageous. Thank you for sharing and inspiring me with your story and your beautiful bravery.
sarah.e.norwood@gmail.com
January 19, 2017 at 6:10 pmThank you so much for reading and for sharing your experiences! I definitely think there is power in sharing. Talking openly takes the stigma out of it. I never knew how hard it could be to struggle with depression and anxiety until it hit me. In hindsight, I realize it’s something that I’ve had all of my life, but that out of control feeling is really frightening! I am grateful for our healthcare system in Canada, but we could definitely do better!