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Anxiety, Home, Personal October 9, 2016

Jeez Louise… I keep saying “I will blog more. I will blog more.” Then I think about blogging and I seize. Blogging/writing is one of the things that anxiety has taken from me. I’m trying to reclaim it, but also trying to accept that it takes some baby steps. It’s funny, because on here I’ve always been somewhat of an open book. I believe in the power of sharing experiences, good or bad, but over the last two years, it’s become so hard. I’m not sure when or why it happened exactly but that nagging voice in the back of my head saying “no one cares. you can’t do it. you are a failure” started to take over. Ridiculous because rationally I look at what I have achieved and I am proud, but in my mind, nothing is ever good enough. There is not a point with my business where I feel I could look back and say “there. I’ve done good.” Or a point with my physical self where I could say “ok, I’m thin enough/fit enough/healthy enough.” Anxiety is not about rationality though. What a difficult thing to grapple with as someone who values evidence based thinking and rationality!

Needless to say I’ve been dealing with a lot over the last few months. Learning how to re-train my brain into more productive modes of thinking and dealing with some difficult things from the past has been rewarding and a huge challenge. On one hand I feel happy I am doing this. I want to be a good example for Isabel. Sometimes our thinking needs a facelift, and it’s ok to seek out help if you can’t do it on your own. I am a huge believer in continual self-improvement. On the other hand, it would be so much easier to stick with the status quo…

Work has slowed down somewhat over the last few months, mostly because I haven’t been adding anything new or updating any of my shops. I plan to do so soon… when I’m ready.

Mostly I’ve been working on sewing that I want to do, fixing up our house, running, and trying to stay sane. I had a lot of work opportunities that fell through in the last 6 months which were hugely disappointing (including a book. PS If you are a publisher or literary agent, I want to write a book. Contact me!). I found I was wrapping myself up entirely in my work and the disappointments felt overwhelming because I didn’t have anything else going on. I think this happens a lot with our careers, it becomes our identity. So, I’ve been broadening my horizons again.

I ran my first 5k race! Here I am with pig-tails a-bouncing with my beautiful cousin Pam. She makes it look easy! It was really fun and I felt so accomplished once I passed the finish line! I remember Pam saying “Ok you can stop running now.” Ha! It was a very hilly route which was a challenge for me.

2016-09-24 | 2016 Muskoka Brewery 5k

I also have taken on a bunch of projects around the house, because fixing up this house is my dream. I re-pointed the fire place, I repaired a water damaged wall. I patched so much old plaster. I sanded. I painted. I worked my butt off.

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This room is going to become an office/sewing room. It is so bright and airy feeling now. I’m just saving up my pennies to put in a big long desk with lots of file storage. For now, it’s a great place to do yoga and store my plants. I currently have my sewing area set up in the basement, which is nice because there is lots of space, but lets face it, basements aren’t the nicest place to spend your time… at least not mine!

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This room was the scariest in the house because there had been water damage and we had to do some exterior repair in this area of the house too. It has been kind of a “make-do” project because eventually I would like to tear out this fireplace surround, but for now, I’m absolutely happy with the results and it is nice to have a big, bright living room to spend our time in. Previous to getting this room done, we had set up in a spare bedroom. Dan built and installed all of those floating shelves. The room still needs art, especially something big and impactful over the fireplace, but I’m not really sure what I want there yet.

I am loving this house because I have the space to display all of the things I love. I have lots of little knick knacks that remind me of this or that… things from our grandparents, things we have made, things we picked up at junk shops. Our house is filled with hand me downs and even random things picked up from the side of the road.  I love that.

It’s Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. We had our first family get together yesterday at our house, and will be enjoying a turkey dinner with all of the fixings tonight. Isabel’s birthday is also coming up. I can’t believe she will be 2 already. And, of course Halloween is on it’s way which means I have costumes on the mind…

I really hope to spend more time on here. I spent a lot of time, energy, and money getting my new blog set up. Now I just have to start using it!

 

Easy Running Armband for iPhone or iPod Tutorial

Personal, Tutorial September 1, 2016

A few months ago I started running. After I had the miscarriage a few years ago, I felt really lost and depressed… then I found Fitness Blender. It was so motivating and fun and I was particularly enjoying some of their strength training videos. When I was in my early twenties, I went to the gym pretty religiously, but as I got a bit older and busier, being active became less of a priority… Over the last few months, as I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, I’ve really been struggling with anxiety. My mental health approach over the last decade is to bottle up any difficult emotions, because whose got time to deal with that? Walk it off! You’ll be fine.  And some days I am… other days, not so much. And now that life is a little quieter, I’ve had the time to deal with some difficult emotions and things from my past.

When I first decided that I needed to be proactive about what I was going through, I knew being active was going to be an important part of getting better. In the following months after the birth of Isabel, I actually found I had lots of time to be active! She slept in hour long bursts so I could sneak in a workout here and there. Now that she is on the move and constantly wanting my attention, I’m finding it much more difficult. So, my goal was to do an activity that we could both do together. I had a jogging stroller so it seemed like a no brainer.

Let me tell you, running while pushing a stroller is no joke. I think I lasted about a month before I decided that pushing an extra 50+ lbs was no fun. However, I was really enjoying the sense of satisfaction I was getting from my progress, so I’ve been running in the morning, or evening… or whenever I get a chance. There is something so visceral about running. All of the difficult things I have hidden away in the back of my mind, I can literally push past them. Running is hard. Running hurts. Running seems to express all of the things I am feeling but can’t quite express. It is freeing and liberating.

I have some friends/family members who are runners and who have run marathons. I was never interested in running. I thought they were kind of crazy and didn’t get the appeal, but I get it now, as I sit here nursing a cracked toe nail but still wanting to get in just one more kilometer.

Of course, now I am wanting to combine my new hobby with my old hobby. What can I sew for running?

As I’ve been running, I’ve really been enjoying listening to podcasts (I am an addict! Shout out to My Favourite Murder!), but was tired of tucking my phone in my bra and getting it all sweaty. So, I decided to make an armband to hold my phone, and any other items I might need along the way.

This is a super simple armband with no zippers or velcro. All you need is some stretch knit fabric, like cotton/lycra jersey, a couple spools of thread and a twin needle (though you could zig-zag stitch too), a small scrap of interfacing, scissors, and a measuring tape. This holder fits my arm and an iPhone 6s (not the jumbo one!). It would be really simple to alter this to fit any phone or arm size.

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Cut out a piece of fabric 10.5″ x 13″.

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Fold it in half lengthways and sew it together with 3/8″ seam allowance. Put it on your arm, it should feel like a fitted sleeve, but not too tight.

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Finish either end with a serger. Fold under approximately 1/4″ and stitch using a twin needle.

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Turn the sleeve inside out and fold up one end by 4″. Fold the top down by about 2″-2.5″, so that the hemmed edges overlap. Make a mark where the earphone jack is.

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Fuse a piece of interfacing to the inside of the sleeve where you’ve made your mark for the earphone jack. Sew a button hole and slash open. This will allow the earphone plug to stick out. Adding the earphone jack hole isn’t necessary. The first one I made didn’t have one, so I just tucked the cord inside and it worked just fine!

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Place your phone/iPod over the folded armband and mark 1/4″ away from either edge of the phone. Run straight rows of stitches down either side to create a snug pocket for the phone.

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It’s seriously that easy! I think this one took me maybe 15 minutes and just a small scrap of fabric.

Next project is a running bra….

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This Silence Has Been Brought To You By Anxiety

Personal, Uncategorized July 8, 2016

I’ve been distant. Quiet. I know.

The truth is I’ve been going through something. All my life I’ve been considered a “worrier.” If you were to ask any of my friends, they’d probably say I have a lot of stress, much of it self imposed, and kind of on the irrational (ok, crazy)  side. I’ve been finding over the last couple of years,  culminating in the last several months, that my anxiety levels have been getting to a point that is crippling.

All of my life I’ve believed that if I just powered through, kept moving, I could get past the uncomfortable feelings. I recently came to the quiet revelation that I’ve been doing mental health all wrong and that maybe my constant feeling of dread and worry wasn’t normal, especially when things are generally ok.

The turning point for me was releasing this last pattern collection. I’ve been so worried that things aren’t good enough, that people will be disappointed, that something is wrong, that I’ve been terrified to write about them. I need to work on a new collection for my lingerie shop, which is looking rather ragged, but I have the feeling that nothing will ever be good enough.  I open my email with dread and some days can’t even bring myself to check because I’m afraid that something is wrong. I have no reason to feel this way. I am a good designer. I’ve worked hard to build a fairly successful business.

Thinking about these feelings made me realize how afraid I was for Isabel, and my compulsive need to make sure she is ok. My irrational worries that she will get out of her crib, through her locked door, past the baby gate, down the stairs, out of our locked house, and come to some terrible end out in the world. It’s a terrible feeling to constantly have with you.

Since buying this new house, my anxiety has shot through the roof. I feel like there is a lot of “unknown” which is really terrifying for me. I have constant stress over finances when I really don’t need to. I have constant stress over the state of our house, when reality is I live in a beautiful old home that much of the major work has been completed. When I sit and think rationally about my anxieties, none of them make sense, but I just can’t stop. I almost constantly have that tight feeling in my chest, like the way you feel before writing a big test that you’re not quite prepared for. I wake up this way, and when I do fall asleep, I have stressful dreams.

Mix all this with an unhealthy dose of intrusive thoughts, and I decided that maybe something wasn’t firing quite right and that I needed some help. As someone who DIY’s everything, saying this was a big step is a bit of an understatement.

I always thought my Anxiety was a mixed blessing. Sure, it stopped me from sleeping or actually getting to know any of the many amazing people in my life, but it compelled me to work, work, work! In hindsight, none of my best work has been done in periods of high anxiety. It’s not a good motivator and it’s definitely not good for business. In fact, it’s been crippling my business over the last few months.

So, I’m trying something new. I’ve been doing self care things for months, like exercise, but it hasn’t been cutting it. I’ve been getting a lot of new insight into the way I think over the last week and it’s really been a revelation. I’ve started on some medication, picked up yoga again, started a “worry journal” (which sounds lame but feels helpful),  have enrolled in some support groups and hopefully will have some one-on-one care soon. Unfortunately, there is a wait list for mental health care in our area, so that has been frustrating for me, but it feels good to be getting help.

I wanted to write this to explain a little to you what’s been going on with me. I haven’t been myself for a while now. I’ve always wanted this blog to be a place where I can share real life: it’s good times and it’s not so good times…  I hate that persona that people put online where thing are 100% perfect 100% of the time #bestlife #blessed. Reaching out for help was extremely difficult for me, and I want anyone know is going through something similar to know it’s ok! We would never judge a friend who is going through these things, so I don’t know why we judge ourselves so harshly.

Thanks for listening, and mostly, thanks for caring about me. If anyone has any similar experiences, I’d love to hear.